He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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