just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
