just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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