I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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