Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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