My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
