I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
