so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize