Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
