I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We have started to decorate penises.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
