Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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