I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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