Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
