I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Randomize
