your parents love me but you hate me
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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