We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
