Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
