You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
