At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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