i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize