That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
