Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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