i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
