Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
