I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
