You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
