Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
