i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Too much gin, very little bucket
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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