i may or may not be watching the land before time
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
