Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize