he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Vodka?
Forever.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
