Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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