mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
