Just cropdusted the office
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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