it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
