I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
