I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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