I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just puked most of my soul out..
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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