I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
