I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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