Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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