upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
