And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Oh god it's open bar.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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