Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Randomize