I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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