I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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