Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize