apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
