I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
