I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
