I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
