What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
