How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
