Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize