Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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