Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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