Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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