I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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